Understanding Oppositional Defiant Disorder in your child by Dr. Clinton Clovis
Parenting a child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) some days can be so frustrating that you wished they came with a manual! Your role as a parent is a life-long commitment that cause some parents to want to give up. This is when your goal for parenting must remain foremost in your mind. This goal can only be to raise these small humans you brought into this world into functionally health adults. As a clinician working with parents with children struggling with ODD, I realize this is easier said than done: dealing with defiant behavior is not easy. Some kids are naturally easier to parent, while others challenge your every move especially at home and school. So, what’s a parent to do?
In this article I will cover the question a lot of parents ask me: how do I deal with my defiant child? Our experienced clinicians at
The New Hope Mental Health Counseling Services are licensed experts in the field, and they’re here to provide you with practical strategies and tips to implement right away.
Psychological Characteristics of ODD
Some children may exhibit a predisposition towards generally negative temperament and specifically disruptive behavior from birth. These traits can manifest as irritability, low tolerance for frustration, and quickness to anger. Additionally, these children might inherit more serious challenges such as thought disorders, psychotic behaviors, intellectual delays, attention deficits, impulsiveness, and hyperactivity from one or both parents. A lot of ODD has to do with the child’s temperament that often contribute to the conflicts with parents and teachers or others in positions of authority. By temperament I am talking about your child’s activity level, their general attention span, emotionality and irritability, sociability, response to external and internal stimulation and how they manage their overall behavior across varying situations.
Physical Characteristics of ODD
A child’s physical traits, motor skills, strength, stamina, and overall abilities often influence others’ initial reactions to them. A child who believes they are unattractive, uncoordinated, weak, or generally different from others in physical abilities will have fewer positive initial interactions with others, may accidentally damage property, may be unable to participate in regular children’s play or games gracefully, and may be at risk for failure in certain academic areas (e.g., handwriting). Such issues not only lead to initial negative feedback, dislike, or even rejection and hostility from others, but can also harm the child’s self-esteem and their desire for acceptance by family, peers, and society. The resemblance of a child to another family member who was not favored (e.g., an ex-boyfriend or husband) may influence the nature and type of interactions the child receives from other family members, including the mother.
Blog Written By: Dr. Clinton Clovis
Developmental Characteristics of ODD
A child’s developmental abilities can contribute to the likelihood of behavioral issues. Similar to physical traits, developmental skills influence how others view the child and how they engage with them. For instance, a child with a mild delay in language development or impaired speech expression, less than average intellect, or poor visual–motor coordination may result in poor social acceptance, teasing, or other forms of social maltreatment. Such delays may impact a child’s social problem-solving skills, understanding of parental commands, and ability to learn habits or emotional control. These may lead directly to conflict with caregivers and others with whom the child interacts.
Parents’ Characteristics of ODD
Finally, parents do play a role in the development or maintenance of behavior problems in their children. I believe that the environment we grow up in and the factors that influence the environment, i.e., poverty, unemployment, parenting style, relationship distress etc., determine the type of children that come to live and interact in their community. Parents who are predisposed to certain inherited psychological disorders, temperamental characteristics, physical features or disabilities, or developmental disabilities are at risk for contributing to behavioral difficulties in their children. These characteristics can have a detrimental effect on the parents’ consistency and effectiveness in managing their child’s misbehavior when it arises. Indeed, the challenges encountered by children with behavioral problems can often be observed in their parents as well.
How to support your Child with ODD
It’s important to remember that every child is unique, and what works for one child may not work for another. Having a strong understanding of the varying characteristics of ODD will help you to better support your child. However, these strategies are a starting point for parents seeking guidance on how to handle defiant behavior. Working with a therapist will help to reinforce your efforts to understand and implement these strategies.
- Set Realistic Expectations- Make sure your child understands your expectations. For younger children or those with learning disorders, break tasks like ‘Clean up your room’ into smaller steps. Give one instruction at a time and consider their age and abilities to reduce frustration.
- Have Consistent Family Rules- Well-thought-out family rules provide structure and stability, guiding everyone’s behavior. When creating these rules, focus on your core values and ensure they align with them. Enforceability is crucial, so only choose rules you are prepared to uphold. Involving everyone in the process fosters a sense of ownership. Additionally, make sure the rules are clear, concise, and age appropriate.
- Establish Clear Boundaries and Consequences- No relationship is sustainable without clear boundaries and consequences. Establishing and enforcing rules is equally important for children to recognize and respect boundaries. It is essential to define consistent and fair consequences for any violations of the rules. Additionally, it is imperative to ensure that these consequences are consistently applied when a rule is breached.
A final note regarding family rules and consequences: it is essential that both you and your spouse or partner agree on the rules and consequences in order to provide your child with consistent expectations. Nothing can be more confusing or frustrating for a child than when one parent disciplines for a broken rule while the other lets it slide.
- Engage in Effective and Respectful Communication- Healthy communication is essential in any relationship, and the parent-child relationship is no exception. The Golden Rule applies to your relationship with your child so treat them in the way you’d want to be treated. Being both firm, fair and loving in your communication, even during heated moments, conveys your respect for them as an individual. Your goal is to have an ongoing relationship with your child; not control them. Good communication ensures that your child will be in control of themselves so you do not have to worry about controlling them.
At The New Hope Mental Health Counseling Services, active listening is emphasized in family counseling sessions. Active listening involves understanding a child’s perspective by repeating their statements and asking clarifying questions. This method avoids interrupting or dismissing their feelings.
- Choose Your Battles- It may be difficult for some parents to accept this, but not every behavior requires your intervention. As long as your child does not present as a threat to themselves or others you can ignore certain behaviors. Learn to pick your battles and focus on the most important behaviors you have identified as a priority to address. This can help to reduce conflict and maintain a more positive and constructive relationship with your child.
- Use positive reinforcement- Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool for shaping behavior in children. Positive reinforcement has the power to shape behavior in children effectively. Instead of focusing on negative behaviors, it is important to praise and reward the behaviors you desire. You’ve probably heard the expression: catch them being good. This helps build your child’s self-esteem and encourages positive behavior; the behaviors you desire from your child.
- Model Positive Behaviors- Children learn by example, so it’s essential to demonstrate positive behaviors in your actions and interactions with your child. Like I said above, the environment you create for your child will determine the type of adult they become. Remember: you are an adult, and your reactions and modeling of appropriate behavior will play a critical role in teaching your child how to act appropriately, not only at home, but also in the wider society. When you model the type of positive behaviors you would like your child to copy it will effectively reinforce positive behaviors and motivate your child to follow your lead.
- Prevent Escalation- I hear it every time I work with parents of a defiant child how frustrating it is when it seems you are being ignored or disrespected by a defiant child. Feeling completely stuck is common and frustrating when you have a child who struggles with ODD.
As difficult as it may be, a very important tip is to stay calm. It makes no sense you lose control of a situation while trying to control the situation. It is impossible to feel and think at the same time. Thinking is an executive function that shuts down when you lose control by allowing your feelings to dictate how you redirect your child. It does not work! Although it is challenging, it is important to recognize that anger will escalate the situation. If possible, take a few minutes away from the situation to regain your composure. This approach can lead to more constructive responses.
- Consider Family Counseling Services- At The New Hope Mental Health Counseling Services, we offer exceptional family counseling services designed to assist in resolving family conflicts and aiding parents in developing effective parenting strategies in our Parenting Support Group – Virtual Group Therapy. Overall, counseling can provide insight and support on how to build stronger relationships as a unit. It can also help manage challenging behaviors more positively. The intent is for parents to become more aware of the “fit” between their own characteristics and their child’s characteristics and better understand how to manage conflict due to ODD.
At The New Hope Mental Health Counseling Services, our therapists collaborate with families to enhance communication, problem-solving, and conflict-resolution skills. Additionally, we assist families in understanding and managing behaviors that may be contributing to challenges within their relationships.
We hope that, by working with a counselor, families will develop skills that they can use to build stronger, more positive relationships with each other.
- Exercise Patience and Perseverance- Managing the behavior of a defiant child can be a prolonged and demanding endeavor. It is crucial to recognize that parenting is akin to a marathon rather than a sprint. Patience and persistence are key when addressing challenging behaviors and encouraging positive ones. With a consistent and constructive approach over time, it is possible to facilitate the development of stronger self-control in your child and improve their ability to manage emotions and behaviors effectively.
The New Hope Mental Health Counseling Services is here to help you through this challenging phase of your child’s development. You are not alone. At The New Hope, we practice culturally sensitive therapy because we understand everyone is different and comes from a different life experience. We’ve helped countless families from all backgrounds effectively parent their children by providing supportive counseling.
If you’re struggling to manage your child’s defiance, take the first step towards a positive change and contact us today.